


This is the Way That Homestuck Ends (a play in four acts)

by mitspeiler



Series: This is the Way That Homestuck Ends [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: ? - Freeform, Alternate Ending, Comedy, Crack, Funny, I used to ship bluesclues long ago, Les Miserables - Freeform, Multi, absolute crack, seriously, whipped this up in an hour sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 20:58:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitspeiler/pseuds/mitspeiler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The absolutely canonical 100% true ending of Homestuck, as laid down by Hussie on his private computer.  After an arduous night of infiltrating his manor and hacking his systems, I bring you several excerpts from that script, starting just after John meets with everyone and ending with THE ULTIMATE REWARD.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is the Way That Homestuck Ends (a play in four acts)

**Act I**

  
John: I’m so happy to finally meet you guys in person! 

_He hugs everybody until he sees Terezi._

_  
_ Terezi: H1 J0HN >:]

  
John: ( _hesitantly at first, gaining speed_ ) You threatened to slit my throat if we ever met. I was so scared that I changed my fucking name. And then you managed to actually get me killed from an entire universe away!  

Terezi: WH4T 4R3 Y0U TRY1NG T0 S4Y J0HN? >:/

John: What am I—I hate you!  I honestly hate you!  Like I don’t think I’ve ever hated anybody in my entire life!

  
Terezi: 50 >:?

  
John: So? So!? SO....you have beautiful eyes.

  
Terezi:  ♠

  
John: ♠  
_They hate-snog for like five pages while Karkat and Dave facepalm._

**Act II**

_A blue wind such as the world has never seen howls down the streets of Derse bringing destruction in its wake.  The gale is careful and spares the innocent but shreds through the drones and agents and soldiers like so much newspaper.  Trailing a massive wake of debris it forms an enormous drill and punches through the once held to be impenetrable gates of the palace.  John resumes human form and he is a terrible presence to behold._

John: Let them go or you will face the fury of a fully realized Heir—what the fuck is going on here?

 

_He sees Jade, Jake, Jane, Roxy, Her Imperial Condescension, and his father, er, son, Gog Homestuck is weird, all sitting at a table playing Monopoly and eating red velvet cake.  Jade sees him and waves happily._

Jade: John, this is so awesome!  Come, eat cake.

 

John: No seriously, what the fuck? ( _the swirling tempest fades to nothing and the deity deigns to walk the earth_ )

 

Dad Crocker: Watch your tone son, we're in polite company.

 

John: Okay, dad, seeing you right now is giving me so many emotions like you have _no idea_ , but how do you even know that I’m your son?

 

Dad Crocker: ( _looking at Her Imperial Condescension_ ) Do you want to tell him or should I?

 

Her Imperial Condescension:  let’s do it together!

 

Both: ( _holding hands_ ) We’re engaged!

 

John: NO!  You must be mind-controlling him!

 

Jane: ( _sheepishly_ ) actually poppop, er, dad, I mean, well you’ll be my brother after the wedding, but I guess you’re actually dad’s brother so uncle?  God, Homestuck is weird. Anyway Uncle John, her mind-control usually makes people all red and glowy, or gives them a weird little zodiac sign on their foreheads. So as you can see, Dad's fine.

 

John:  I…just…how?

 

Her Imperial Condescension: Well Johnny, your father/brother/son and I got to talking and he found out that I had raised his father, which is to say you, or the version of you in this timeline, and then I told him that he’d raised you in another timeline, and we just bonded over how cute you were as a baby.  One thing led to another and now here we are.

 

Dad Crocker:  So sport, will you—?

 

John: Be your best man?

 

Her Imperial Condescension: Oh no, Jake is best man.  You’ll be officiating the wedding, being a god and also a king sort of.  Jade is our flower girl and Jane’s going to be my maid of honor!  ( _Everyone groans at the terrible pun_ ).  Well she is…

 

John: ( _sighs deeply, none of this turning out at all like he’d planned_ ).  Fuck it, fine, but I get to bring Terezi.

 

Jade: ( _gasps_ ). You hooked up with Terezi?  I thought that was just a one-off gag!

 

John: Nope.  Canon.

 

**Act III**

 

_Battered and bloody, the Page of Hope stares into the horrible eyes of his nemesis, and spits._

Jake: Do you know what your fucking problem is Caliborn?

 

Lord English: DON’T CALL ME THAT.  I HAVE A NEW NAME NOW.

 

Jake: Your fucking problem is that you’re terrible at games.

 

Lord English: (roars)  I LOVE GAMES!  I AM THE GOD OF FUCKING GAMES!

 

Jake:  You don’t know how to play.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but haven’t you spent a billion sweeps destroying everything everywhere so you could unlock your land and finally start playing?

 

Lord English: ….FUCK YOU!  ( _Levels his gun at Jake’s face_ )

 

Jake:  You can’t kill me Caliborn.  I AM HOPE ( _is shot in the face while Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap plays_ )

 

Jane: NOOOOOOOOOOO! ( _cries_ )

_Suffering heavy bloodloss, Karkat crawls to the top of a pile of rubble.  He wishes he had never agreed to participate in this battle, being severely outclassed by nigh on everybody, but he couldn’t just leave these people.  His shirt has been torn to shreds, he puts on Jake’s discarded Cairo Overcoat, which promply becomes stained red with Karkat’s blood.  He hoists himself up with a Prospitian banner._

 

Karkat: ENGLISH, YOU FUCKING NOOKSNIFFER.  YOU DAMNED MY PEOPLE TO A MILLION YEAR DESCENT INTO MADNESS AND DECADENCE AT THE HANDS OF A PSYCHOTIC CHOLO WANNABE ( _Her Imperial Condescension giggles_ ) AND YOUR PET PEDOPHILE, MADE ME BE BORN INTO A CULTURE WHERE I WOULD BE HATED AS AN ABOMINATION TO BE KILLED ON SIGHT, ALL TO SPITE A LITTLE GIRL YOU NEVER EVEN SPOKE TO.  I HAVE ONE FUCKING QUESTION—

 

Lord English: WHY? IS THAT IT? IT’S ALWAYS FUCKING WHY, AS IF THE STRONG NEED ANY REASON TO CRUSH THE WEAK.  I DID IT BECAUSE I HATE.  EVERYTHING, EVERYWHERE, IS THE SUBJECT OF MY UNDYING UMBRAGE, BECAUSE IT EXISTS, AND NO OTHER—

 

Karkat: DID I FUCKING SAY YOU COULD TALK YOU BULGE-LESS BUCKET OF WIGGLER SPEW?  YOU’VE HAD A BILLION YEARS TO TALK, NOW IT’S MY FUCKING TURN.  MY QUESTION IS: DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING?

 

Lord English: DAFUQ?

 

Karkat: ( _waving the banner, singing now, his voice is a lovely yet masculine tenor_ ) SINGING A SONG OF ANGRY MEN? IT IS THE MUSIC OF A PEOPLE WHO WILL NOT BE SLAVES AGAIN! WHEN THE BEATING OF YOUR HEART ECHOES THE BEATING OF THE DRUMS, THERE IS A LIFE ABOUT TO START WHEN TOMORROW COMES!

 

John: ( _also singing, he is a basso-profundo_ ). Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade is there a world you long to see? Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be free!

 

Dave: ( _whispering to Rose_ ). Rose whats happening?  Theyre just standing there like chumps and singing and lord english is just letting them like what the fuck?

 

Rose: ( _crying tears of joy_ ).  Karkat has finally manifested his blood powers.  He’s using his ability to form emotional bonds with people as weapon, THROUGH SONG!

 

Dave: ( _beat_ ).  That’s what blood powers are?  I thought itd be like that anime dead man wonderland where the kid can like shoot out his blood and make blades out of it or some shit not fuckin broadway.

 

Rose: ( _patting his shoulder_ ).  Just let it happen Dave.  Let yourself be caught up in the music.

 

Dave: ( _shrugs_ ).  Will you give all you can give so that our banner may advance some will fall and some will live will you stand up and take your chance?  The blood of the martyrs will water the meadows of France! ( _He is singing in a perfect falsetto that would make Farinelli weep tears of joy and jealousy_ )

 

Everyone:

 _Do you hear the people sing_  
 _Lost in the valley of the night?_  
 _It is the music of a people_  
 _Who are climbing to the light._  
 _For the wretched of the earth_  
 _There is a flame that never dies._  
 _Even the darkest night will end_  
 _and the sun will rise._  
 _They will live again in freedom_  
 _In the garden of the Lord._  
 _We will walk behind the ploughshare;_  
 _We will put away the sword._  
 _The chain will be broken_  
 _And all men will have their reward._  
 _Will you join in our crusade?_  
 _Who will be strong and stand with me?_  
 _Somewhere beyond the barricade_  
 _Is there a world you long to see?_  
 _Do you hear the people sing?_  
 _Say, do you hear the distant drums?_  
 _It is the future that they bring_  
 _When tomorrow comes!_  
 _Will you join in our crusade?_  
 _Who will be strong and stand with me?_  
 _Somewhere beyond the barricade_  
 _Is there a world you long to see?_  
 _Do you hear the people sing?_  
 _Say, do you hear the distant drums?_  
 _It is the future that they bring  
_ _When tomorrow comes!_

_Lord English shrieks in agony as his skin begins to crack and melt, spewing out light in all directions.  As the song ends, he explodes in a blinding flash of light, releasing a swarm of fireflies, some of which coalesce into a shape—Calliope, who has been brought back to life as a troll by the power of ~~Broadway~~ Blood._

Everyone: Yay!

 

**Act IV**

__

_The battle won, the gang stands once again around the door to THE ULTIMATE REWARD, red now.  John reaches hesitantly for the knob, as Karkat did so long ago._

__

 

Terezi: ( _leaning on John’s shoulder_ ).  WH4T D0 Y0U TH1NK 1S G01NG T0 H4PP3N?

 

John: I don’t know sweetie, but we’re all going to find out together.

 

Karkat: I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THAT THE GIRL I LOVE DITCHED ME FOR MY WORST ENEMY, DITCHED HIM FOR MY BEST FRIEND, AND DITCHED _HIM_ FOR MY WORST FRIEND.  HEY JOHN, MAYBE WHEN SHE EVENTUALLY DUMPS YOU I’LL FINALLY GET A PIECE.

 

Terezi: N4W, 1’M W0RK1NG MY W4Y THR0UGH 4LL Y0UR S1GN1F1C4NT R3L4T10N5H1P5.  Y0U H4D 4 CRUSH ON M33N4H R1GHT?  >;]

 

Roxy: (swaying drunkenly) omfg karkles has anyoen evre told you how HOT you fuckin ar when yur savin the world? :3

*anyone

**ever

 

Karkat: UHH….

 

Roxy: (gropes inappropriately) i can be the mary magdlene to yur trol jegus ;3

*Magdalene

 

Karkat:  I NEED AN ADULT!

 

Roxy: ( _grabbing Karkat, kissing passionately_ ) lets make some horibel mutant babies karkat!

*horbible

**horribibble

***horrorbible

 

Karkat: …YOU KNOW WHAT FINE.  HEY DAVE, I’M GONNA GO PLOW YOUR MOM.

_They leave together looking for a cheap motle._

_*motel._

Dave: (clears his throat) whatever is on the other side of the door lets just hope it doesnt take us back to our version of earth on like johns thirteenth birthday because that would be the lamest possible ending.  what kinda shitty ultimate reward would that be to completely nullify everything we’ve done and take away all the godly powers and shit that we worked so hard for?  i died like a billion times, that would just make my sacrifices meaningless.

 

John: Yeah, and most of us here aren’t even from that same earth.  What about the trolls?  Would they go back to their horrible version of Alternia where Karkat will in all likelihood be lynched some day?  Would they go to Beforus where they don’t know anybody and the culture is completely different?  People need to think about these kinds of things.

 

Rose: ( _nodding_ ).  Yes, the Narnia ending wouldn’t really work for us here.  Most likely, I think through that door will be the universe we created, which if the trolls are any indication, will barely resemble our own world.  Likely, we’ll encounter a race that calls themselves centaurs despite being humanoid dogs with tentacles for legs who organize their society by the number of tentacles they have, and are raised in a commune together.  We’ll be worshipped as gods and the constellations will be shaped after our symbols.

__

Everyone nods, affirming that this is the best possible ending.

__

 

Dave: (sees Calliope all alone) hey you havent done anything since you got here wanna hook up?

 

Calliope: oh, i woUld love to!  yoU’re every fangirl’s dream!  ~_u  <kisses!>

 

Everyone: Yay!

 

**The End**

<blank page>

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so, so sorry.  
> Hey, how does one do colored text on AO3, and how do I make the exact colors of the kids' on a word document? I have the hex codes somewhere but I don't know...  
> Wow, this is getting a lot of fucking hits. Go check out my other work if you like. Trollish Layer needs some love.  
> ...I would really, REALLY, appreciate it if you guys could look at Trollish Layer.  
> *sexy wonk


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